I’ve been out of town and sick all week so I just started rambling. I think I struck some things I’d like to say to some people, and maybe someday I’ll say them. It is largely unfinished and someday maybe will be. Until then, well, I have a blog.
You’re not the first person to try to save me. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you trying. I’m sorry, because this is not your fault, but I’ve heard your message before. You didn’t know better. You were doing what you thought was right. I would never fault that. But sometimes even the best of intentions fall on the deafest of ears.
You’re not the first one to care. I’ve been blessed. Many people before you gave a shit. Some more than you. Some less. I’ll be honest. And I’m still at where I’m at. So maybe it takes more than that. Maybe there is no “fixing” me. I appreciate you trying, but please stop trying. I’ve considered that you’re only helping me to help yourself. That you seek to make yourself feel better and my improvement is merely a positive externality. Maybe some of this is on me. I know you’ll feel better if I get better, but maybe I don’t feel like getting better.
You’re not in charge here. I know you want the best for me. I want the best for me too. Maybe the only agency I find in my own life is my own self-destruction. I may be a negative influence on myself, but at least I know I’m the one that’s influencing it.
You’re nothing special. You’re another one in a long line that has met me. Many people have met me. I’m a hit. I know you want to keep me around because you like me. A lot of people like me. I’m not hurting for someone to like me. I’m hurting for something more. I want something more.
You’re the greatest champion of my flaws. Please, let others know what I’m doing wrong because you get what I’m doing right. Be that constant reminder of failure because I don’t have that going on inside my own head 24/7. I make people happy. Maybe not myself and maybe not in the ways you expect, but in a way I can feel. And that matters.
I’m having the most fun. No one is having a better time than me. I’m happy to be here. I’ll make the speeches. I’ll shake the hands. I’ll kiss the babies. I’m having a blast. I fill every room I walk into. From now until I’m no more I’m having a good time. More than you, so please don’t pity me. It’s not a good use of you time. I’ve never asked for it because I’ve never needed it.