5 Stages of Day Drinking

Hemingway. Thompson. Bukowski. Some of our greatest drinkers. What is forgotten, is that to have your legacy built on the fact that you were loaded all the time, you had to be loaded. All. The. Time. That includes the middle of the goddamn day. Today this act of valor is looked down upon, and is now known as day drinking. And every seasoned day drinker knows that the steps to day drinking are similar (identical) to the five stages of grief. Day drinking is a struggle, a loss; you lose one of your finite days on Earth, you lose your sense of self. Once you start there is no turning back. Follow these steps and you'll power through to become one of the greats. 

1. Denial

Is a Bloody Mary even considered day drinking? You're at brunch. And it isn't a real brunch without a Bloody Mary. It's tomato juice, how can tomatoes be bad for you? You're just simply respecting the rituals of brunch. You tell your friends, "This is my only drink."

2. Anger

No... Not this again. Why? You said you wouldn't do this again! Why do you always do this? You think, "Why is everyone looking at me? A gin before noon, so what! What's wrong with that? The Queen does it! Are you saying you're too good for The Queen?!?! HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE CROWN?" Turns out, you thought all of that out loud in a CVS. 

3. Bargaining

Okay, so today hasn't gone how you thought today would go. But if you think about it, you've had 11 drinks and it's 2:00 p.m. It's been today for 14 hours now. That's not even a drink an hour. You're not even legally drunk. If you don't hit 15 drinks before Jeopardy! comes on you'll go to your hot yoga class. 

4. Depression

You're in the waning hours of your booze fueled marathon and your nephew isn't even out of school yet. "Lunch", which is a meal you didn't need to have because you had brunch, which is literally half lunch, was a chicken salad sandwich you picked up while at the liquor store. Maybe a car will hit you on your walk home, that way you won't have to say you ate the whole thing. You ate the whole thing. You hate yourself. 

5. Acceptance

You've done it. You made it. You are now a day drinker. Congratulations, now go make some microwave nachos and go to bed.